Saturday, March 26, 2011

My Divine Feminine Path - Bhakti Yoga

In my last post I said I would share some things about my childhood.  It is a bit scary for me to reveal some deep secrets that VERY FEW folks know...  Not even my close family know this stuff about me.

I am ready to share this with the world now, although it runs strongly against my nature not to protect such secrets!  I have to do it though... its being required of me.  Many things are changing and this is one of them.

I got an email from a friend the other day with the subject heading: "Hey Girlfriend!" The email had this cute photo of a fiesty young, old woman wearing sneakers and smoking a cigar with the heading "National Girlfriend and Sister's Week - I am only as strong as the coffee I drink, the harispary I use, and the friends I have. To the cool women who have touched my life.  Here's to you!"  The email contained a list of reasons why "its good to be a woman"...  As a man (physically) I was flattered to get this email.  This post is all about the reasons.

I am writing about this because I have reciently come to the realization that men are basically "women" with only one specialized function.  Man start out in the womb initially as female... but very late in the gestation period a small attribute... one tiny extra attribute kicks in and blocks the development of a reproductinve system capable of spawing and supporting another human life and instead creates a much simpler geneitic delivery system. 

This tiny attribute that makes a woman into a man has gotten blown way out of proportion for the past 5 to 10,000 years, maybe longer!   And NO... contrary to the popular Judeo Christian belief...  Woman do not come from a rib of a man...  Some man wrote that part of the bible obviously!  The true story is actually quite the opposite...

Science shows us that men are 99% woman genetically with one small little chromosome difference.  Men have one active X chromosome just like a woman.  Women have two X cromosomes but only one is active... the other is a copy or backup...  Men's Y chromosome is almost exactly the same as an X chromosome but its not entirely complete (i.e. its sequence is much smaller).  

There is only a very small sequence contained within a man's Y chromosome that is missing in a woman.  This very teny tiny difference is the only thing that makes a man different than a woman... But that teny tiny thing is the "Shiva" that ends up destroying further development of what would normally develope fully into a womans reproductive system, while stimulating the development of a very simple male sexual delivery mechnism in its place.

Everything else about a man is identical to a woman.  So taking human reproductive equipment into account, there is absoutely nothing else physically or mentally "extra" about a man that makes him different, better, or worse than a woman.

Men are in fact capable of lactation just like women.  If it werent for the predomonant effects of male hormones men would develop breast and lactate normally when they become fathers.  There are historical accounts of this occurance although science may not acknoldge it yet.   In all other respects, men have the same organs, and the same hormones, however regulation of those hormones are diferent and thus physical attributes shift accordingly.

It is my strong belief that men in their specalized role have long ago forgottin the fact that they are one with their sisters and not so different at all!  Most of the difference between the sexes has been slowly manufactured in our minds and cultures over a very long period of time.  Men have increasingly and progressively seporated and cut themselves off from half the population for pretty much all but one basic need... "sex"!  I strongly believe this has caused major detremental ramifications on humanity and our world in general!

Throughout my entire life, I have felt for the most part like a woman living inside of a mans body.  I have kept this secret to myself for most of my life until now.  When I was in college I experimented a bit thinking: "Was I gay?" but after several unsuccessful experiences with that I realized I was not attracted to men at all physically, and mentally I find most men to be quite in-sensitive, brash, highly competitive, and generally annoying.

I prefer the company of women always over men and not because they are sexy.  That is only one part of it... a nice part, but only one of many other reasons and without those other reasons the sex part becomes boring and in fact un-sexy.

When I was a very young boy my feminine self was much stronger than when I got older, but now in my middle age that feminine strength is returning, even stronger than ever!  That feminine self is more than physical.. She is a spiritual being and she is VERY POWERFUL and VERY LOVING!

She (the divine feminine) fully manifested (consciously) when I moved to Orcas Island, where I now live.  As I look back on my life I see her coming through very strongly all the way back to when I was a little boy/girl before I could even talk. From a very young age I used to dream and fantasize that I was a ballerina or gypsy baliadora.

Until very recently I would never tell anyone about these very personal secrets, especially my own family.  This was very much a hidden aspect for me until I arrived here on these protected shores. Orcas Island makes me feel so free I don't care any more!  

About a month or two after settling here and finding a small quiet lovely cabin on White Beach Road to live in, I spent the entire weekend there alone with all my windows and doors wide open to the trees, birds and animals outside, with candles and incense buring... crying crying crying my heart out... I cried constantly the entiere weekend...  It was a special and powerful moment for me... it was not a sad cry.. it was a very beautiful cry of love...  It was an initiation...  I was finally home and I knew it.

My first year here living in the woods on White Beach road reminded me about when I was very young (about 3 or 4 years of age)  I have VERY VIVID memories of this time, clearer memories than any other part of my life actually.  Often I would run away from home.  I did not do this because I was trying to escape any harm... I did not know anything but pure LOVE at that age.  I was very innocent.

I ran away because I was called into the woods by mysterious friends. Don't ask me how I got away so easily from my mom.. maybe I teleported :)  She does not even know how I got out because I did it so much they put up child fences so I could not get out of the house etc.  But I got away just the same..   

Often I was not found until later over 3 or 4 miles away.  I had spent nights in the woods and was never afraid.  I felt such peace and was in the company of many seen and unseen friends.  When I knew I was alone in the woods and no humans were around I would soon have all my clothes off and I would dance and sing like a Beautiful Gypsy Girl imagining long flowing colorful silks flowing from me like I was some kind of cosmic jellyfish!

I felt like I could fly!  I used to believe I could fly actually and would try to jump and fly while I danced and sang.  I was only able to fly in my dreams or in trance however... I'm still trying though. :)  I felt so free.  At this early age I was not trying to escape anything.  At this early age I did not yet know right from wrong, fear, or pain.  That did not come until later..

The thing I learned from this early time in my life, which for some reason, thank God I never forgot... is how to travel to this place inside my mind from where ever I may be physically, no matter where that may be... even on a fast moving subway train in New York City!

Later in life I did not have to "run away physically" into the woods to get to this place.  I turn off "mind energy" and connect with "natural energy" or what I call "heart energy".  Its easy... Everything around me dissappears and I am back in those woods up on the old mountain plateau in Swannee Tennissee smelling the Dogwood trees of spring!

Or I am sitting on a rock studying the crabs and sea urchins somewhere on an Island in the Salish Sea, as I connected with later with at age 10 when my Grandfather first took me to visit my aunt in Victoria BC.  (I will write about this story and my first encounter with a baby octopus in a future blog entry.)

I did not have to practice meditation for years and years in order to learn how to do this.  I have always known how to do it nautrally... Its a gift from God and Its something I am supposed to do in service...  I did not know what its true purpose was for many years, and its presence only caused me much shame, turmoil, and pain, from everyone around me growing up in east Texas.  Later in life when I learned Meditation and Kriya Yoga I finally learned it was a beautiful blessing, it was not a curse.  It took me a long time to learn how to controll it for great purpose and service to all.  It is best channeled through what the hindus call Bhakti Yoga.

Later in life I used this ability to get away from things that hurt me, things that scared me.  But mostly I would go there for reasons of love not fear or pain or need to escape.  I can even today go anytime... far away in another world where all the animals are my friends and there are no mean people around yelling at me... telling me I should do this... or that...  Now that I am on Orcas Island, I am there all the time, physically and mentally!

I remember very clearly, back when I was 3 and 4 years old alone in the woods that I was able to communicate clearly with the animals in the woods.  I don't think they were afraid of me either.  I remember birds and squirls coming right down to me...  These were my first shamanic journeys when I was very young.

I did not know back then what the word shaman meant.  It was not part of my culture!  But this was a very natural thing for me to do and I just did it...  I knew I was different though cause my parents and teachers all tried to get me to STOP my daydreaming and buckle down.  No one encouraged that part of me except my invisible friends who I would talk to in dreams.  I instinctively knew not to talk at all about this to anyone! 

Later when I got into middle school and high school I suppressed it because of fear and shame... That was sad for me.  But my woman would bust out of me anyway many times in weird ways... I ended up using drugs to help suppress it or at least cover up the shame that society had taught me...   Later I learned through meditation how to accept my strange nature in spite of what westerners and especially "Christian" friends and family would tell me.

I learned to to use it wisely and started seeking out psychic groups when I was living in Florida during my Navy carrier.  I did not feel I was a woman back then but felt instead that a woman would come be inside of me sometimes.  It was not until I came to Orcas Island I finally realized it fully that this was my true nature... That it was ME my Spirit that was feminine... Or rather more feminine than masculine.. we all are a balance of course... or should be a balance that is...
It was like waking up from a dream when I moved here... I could not help myself... I felt the goddess had fully awakened! She loves to cry a LOT... I find it very hard not to feel strong emotion just about for anything anytime and tears will pour forth... I am not afraid to show it anymore either.

Also I find myself singing in a high woman's voice range a lot.  This creates a powerful transforming vibrational essence within me.  That kind of singing, resonating with the singing bowls, feeds powerful energy into my body... its very healing...  I believe it may even be repairing and reversing aging.  Time will tell whether that's wishful thinking or not... ha ha...
This island makes me feel very safe.  I would never have dressed up in woman's clothes elsewhere but I have done it two times already here... Once in the 4th of July parade... and later on Halloween... When I was a woman for Halloween I was TOTALLY a woman!  Wow that was so nice.. 

I was afraid to use the men's room!  I could not relate to them at all that evening... I was totally with my sisters in the woman's powder room chatting it up! ha ha...  I Was dancing that night like I never did before... It was such a free flowing feeling and I moved the way I always wanted but am a bit shy to do as a man!  

On the dance floor I could feel the male energy all around checking me out!  I had to play it cool and be cold with them so they would not be encouraged to pursue me.  I feel very comfortable with a few men so I let myself go with them.  That was a totally different feeling for me... it was a revelation that night...  

I am not looking for a sex change.  That is not at all what this is about. This is far beyond gender or present day male female relationships...  Its gone way out to another level now and I don't think I could be in a regular relationship anymore.  Someone special who gets it will need to come into my life now!

Our world has been designed for a very long time trusting women with all the secrets while men are given the dominant control.  Its been a very strange and sad reality for a VERY LONG TIME...

Things are finally shifting away from that and we ALL are being set free...  We only need to let go and LOVE.  I have said that before :)  Its stupid simple but so profound...  The most profound things in the universe are stupid simple...  I have said that before as well..  Good time to stop.  OK I did this... it feels good... I may reveal more later..